...the irony

Friday, January 27th, 2017 01:19 pm
nekrateholic: (Default)
[personal profile] nekrateholic
It's so ironic, really - my last post was about how stupid I am for always falling for younger girls and now here I am, talking about my brand new, annoying, internet crush on a younger person far, far away. At least it's a boy this time. (And at least we're on the same continent.)

It's so - I don't even know how this happened. I'm still not sure whether or not I'm overthinking it and trying to make myself like the person, just because I haven't felt anything for anyone in a relatively long time - not anyone I can actually talk to, anyway. And there he is, all funny and talented and musical and - and I'm done. I'm that easy. (I'm trying very hard to not add too-good-for-me to those qualities, but - the thought is there.) I never even expected, I didn't - I don't know. I'm not sure I want this. I'm used to being open and spammy to new people and - when the person on the other side isn't. It's not doing my anxiety any favors. And now boom! Crush! Ten times worse conversation skills on my part.

It doesn't work, for some reason. Talking to him. I keep trying to think about what I should say. Which should be normal, but it's not for me. I always just - dump all my overexcitedness, excess rambling and compliments and fangirling at random things and people - and the person on the other side should just take it or leave it. I don't know. And now, I think - whether I'm too much, whether I'm trying too hard, whether I'm annoying, whether my dumb, illogical crush is showing - and it's stilting my already bad social skills. I'm trying keep myslef in check - trying to not be myself. It sucks. The thing is, fuck the crush, I actually like this person as a person, as a soul, if I let my inner emo show. We're so alike in so many ways - and different in others and I'm. I'm in awe.

And then there is the music - I've never met someone who can actually play the piano so well. And music is - how do I explain, sometimes I want to live and breathe music, to let myself drown in the sound and to feel my heart beating to the rhythm. To wrap it around my soul and let it sit there and - and breathe. He makes me feel these things. Which should be very stupid, we haven't even talked that long, that much, that. I don't know. It's too early, what am I doing here trying to get myself out of the crush dump? How did this happen?

And the worst is, he isn't. He isn't unresponsive, he's not ignoring me, he's not cold or rude or negative in any way. And yet here I am, coming up with ten million reasons and justifications about how much he would hypothetically like to just stop talking to me. Hey, me. Get yourself together. Even if it was true - and I have absolutely no reason to believe it is, and no way to know, as well - why should it matter? Why do I always place the brightness of my entire world on some one else? And then feel bad when I do - what I do. This is like having a crush on Bo all over again, thinking I know her and I understand her and - I didn't. I didn't but look how we ended up. 

I'm being hopeful again. I'm having expectations. Not cool, me. Not cool.

I wish I could just go and be myself, without conditions and limits and - without me trying to hide parts of me that I think are not "cool enough". I want to. I want to - I want to breathe his music. I want us to become close enough for me to feel okay telling him I had to get myself piss drunk to get the courage to restart the conversation. I want to be able to joke and be dumb and be myself. I want to not have to hype myself up for half an hour before I can answer a simple message and I want to not be anxious about what I said for an hour after that. I want him to stop being a reason for me to lose sleep and I want to not have this hurricane of emotions inside me on a daily basis. I want to talk.

I want to.

I want.

I want to stop being the reason I can't.

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