thoughts

Thursday, November 13th, 2014 08:40 pm
nekrateholic: (Default)
These days it seems one of my favorite things to do is to hate on 14-18 years old me for its general existence.
I mean it was stupid. Me, I mean. I will refer to me as 'it'. It was so... ordinary. And not ordinary enough. And being aufully dramatic and depressed for no apparent reason. And with a bad haircut and bad clothes and bad everything (except for music. my taste in music might have been limited but it was fucking cool). 
However, in the spirit of my never ending battle with self hatred I tried to think of the reasons why 14-18 years old me was so emo in the worst possible way. It was really fucking lonely.
See, I've always been an extremely awkward person. I realized that in high school simply because I grew up in a small society where everyone knew me and I didn't get the chance to be awkward. I was also the teacher's kid and everybody knew who I was. I was not popular - our school didn't work like that but they knew me and they were good to me.
Now, imagine putting this extremely awkward person in an entirely new environment where it literally knows no one. Granted, I had a few distant relatives and two childhood friends in town but I was never really close to them and it just didn't work. It was bad. It was worse than bad. 14-year-olds can be quite cruel. I had (and still have) my best friend of course and I love her to pieces for it. She was a lot of help to - I don't know - not kill myself (although that's unlikely for I have been blessed with a level of responsibility to the people around me). I had her but she was a good 2 hours away and even if we talked every day she was not there. Eventually I started hanging out with one of the childhood friends but she is 4 or 5 years older and while I understand her now I really didn't back then. I remember asking one of my classmates (when I got around to actually talking to them) if they would cry if I was to die. It was a YA book worthy period of internet friends, crushes gone bad and overly dramatical and unreasonable depression.
Fast forward to meeting you. I think it was after the forum thing which is important because they were the first people to show me I am actually capable of making someone like me. Now if only I could do it not hiding behind an username. You happened and while I still hid behind an username to some extent you were there. It took me time - a lot of fucking time - to realize that you were there and you were not going anywhere and hey, 'it' didn't suck that bad. Remember those years I told you about? Those levels of friendship or whatever I called them back then. It wasn't because I didn't care for you or because I had trust issues (I did, but trust works weird for me) or I didn't believe in you. It was because I did all of those things and a lot and it took me years to convince myself it's all actually reciprocated. I'm shit at explaining but it's late and I'm this close to not knowing what I am saying (then again when am I not). To say it this way - you were the first real, big and important thing that made me start believing in myself. Take this as one of the millions of love letters you deserve.

This all, however, does not excuse my general idiocy during my teenage years. But then again who isn't an idiot during high school.
It took me a lot of time be as okay with myself as I am now and it was hard but there were - no - there are people worth trying for. 
Yes, Mikey Way, life gets better when you get better.

PS 'Best I Can' is a positive song no matter how much you deny it. It's about fighting, about not giving up. And it also makes me feel okay. And it makes me feel me. And this is the dumbest ending in the history of endings.

mcr, i guess

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014 05:59 pm
nekrateholic: (Default)
 This post is so long overdue in so many ways it's not even funny.

First way being it took me a total of about 7 years to fall completely, irreversible, and unconditionally in love with My Chemical Romance. I mean, I did know about them and I did love a lot of their songs and I probably even went through their entire discography at some point. And still, they never made their way into my 'all time favorites' list and it's a shame, really. A few months ago I was talking to this incredibly cool person (that I wish I was friends with but I can't, for the life of me, hold a conversation with) and I think he was in a My Chem phase because he tends to ramble about his 'phases' as much as I do. Anyway, somehow MCR became the topic of our conversation and he was so, so obviously more invested in them than I was and I tried to hold my front because I know them, okay, and I fucking loved a lot of their songs but somehow the conversation was still one-sided with him being the one side and me desperately trying to keep up. I think I was intimidated at the time. I am used to being the knowledgeable one when it comes to bands and when that role was taken away from me. Well. I wish I could talk to him now, though. It would probably save my roommate from being bullied into listening to My Chemical Romance.

I'm getting off topic, though (when am I not). I went into a Panic! At The Disco phase this summer and long story short, fanfiction happened and the P!ATD phase morphed into a My Chemical Romance phase. A really heavy one, too. Apparently I have a thing for theatrical bands. In a few days I had went through their discography (again) and knew the members' names (which is commitment, okay, the non-kpop bands I know the names of are five (actually, up until this summer that number was four bands less)). I had a new favorite song every day and they are just all so good it's almost painful.

I then proceeded to fall into a deep, dark emotional hole about their split (overdue). I developed this thing where it really makes me sad when a band falls apart or changes it's line-up (it was right after the P!ATD phase which contained the same deep, dark emotional hole about Ryan Ross' departure. overfuckingdue.). Even though I was sad about them not being active anymore I still felt secondhand emarassment when I read the comments section on MCR videos or, worse, the members' current projects. There was always the occasional comment comparing the new projects to MCR or long and angry and/or hateful ones about how they should've stayed together. Along with being secondhand emarrassed I was angry. I mean come on, these people are a band that's been through a lot, a band that has a meaning, they could not have just gone all 'fuck this i'm going solo', it must have been hard, it must have been even harder to start all over again and there people were, 'fans', just complaining how they should've stayed together. I honestly find it offensive. And thank fuck for the impressive amount of people who actually respect their decisions.

While trying to come out of the aforementioned emotional hole I realized that while I was sad I could never attend a My Chemical Romance concert, I was actually happy they split before they turned into a sad, modernized version of themselves. It happened to way too much of my favorite bands. This way MCR will forever be the band I worship with no 'yeah, they are awesome but their latest album isn't all that good'. Right now there isn't a My Chemical Romance I would describe as 'not all that good' and I love it that way.

Read Gerard's letter regarding the end only convinced me further that while they may not be active, My Chemical Romance will never really die. It makes me wish I researched the fuck out of them seven years ago, too. (as does listening to pre-Ryan Ross situation)

Besides, the new projects are fucking awesome. Weird as fuck, but awesome. I could not expect anything less from them.

...speaking of weird

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