and yet

Wednesday, March 1st, 2017 02:53 am
nekrateholic: (Default)
And yet I write and rewrite and delete and rephrase and write again, because this is one of those times where the desire to tell you is getting impossibly harder to control. The desire to tell you I want to curl up in your heart and stay there, that I want to breathe in your presence and I think your soul is beautiful and it leaves me breathless, and you leave me breathless and I want to hug you and possibly kiss you and listen to you play or talk or watch you do things you love or just exist and to telI you I want to shower you with all my unnecessary love because it is, in one way or another, love - and that I have to constantly fight myself because I crave your presence in my life in whatever way possible more than I crave all those things. Right now, I think I might drown without it.
I know, I know, I know I did what I was supposed to do but it was so freaking hard not to send that one line message that would've doomed everything.
I know and yet the disappointment was there when I didn't.

...the irony

Friday, January 27th, 2017 01:19 pm
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It's so ironic, really - my last post was about how stupid I am for always falling for younger girls and now here I am, talking about my brand new, annoying, internet crush on a younger person far, far away. At least it's a boy this time. (And at least we're on the same continent.)

It's so - I don't even know how this happened. I'm still not sure whether or not I'm overthinking it and trying to make myself like the person, just because I haven't felt anything for anyone in a relatively long time - not anyone I can actually talk to, anyway. And there he is, all funny and talented and musical and - and I'm done. I'm that easy. (I'm trying very hard to not add too-good-for-me to those qualities, but - the thought is there.) I never even expected, I didn't - I don't know. I'm not sure I want this. I'm used to being open and spammy to new people and - when the person on the other side isn't. It's not doing my anxiety any favors. And now boom! Crush! Ten times worse conversation skills on my part.

It doesn't work, for some reason. Talking to him. I keep trying to think about what I should say. Which should be normal, but it's not for me. I always just - dump all my overexcitedness, excess rambling and compliments and fangirling at random things and people - and the person on the other side should just take it or leave it. I don't know. And now, I think - whether I'm too much, whether I'm trying too hard, whether I'm annoying, whether my dumb, illogical crush is showing - and it's stilting my already bad social skills. I'm trying keep myslef in check - trying to not be myself. It sucks. The thing is, fuck the crush, I actually like this person as a person, as a soul, if I let my inner emo show. We're so alike in so many ways - and different in others and I'm. I'm in awe.

And then there is the music - I've never met someone who can actually play the piano so well. And music is - how do I explain, sometimes I want to live and breathe music, to let myself drown in the sound and to feel my heart beating to the rhythm. To wrap it around my soul and let it sit there and - and breathe. He makes me feel these things. Which should be very stupid, we haven't even talked that long, that much, that. I don't know. It's too early, what am I doing here trying to get myself out of the crush dump? How did this happen?

And the worst is, he isn't. He isn't unresponsive, he's not ignoring me, he's not cold or rude or negative in any way. And yet here I am, coming up with ten million reasons and justifications about how much he would hypothetically like to just stop talking to me. Hey, me. Get yourself together. Even if it was true - and I have absolutely no reason to believe it is, and no way to know, as well - why should it matter? Why do I always place the brightness of my entire world on some one else? And then feel bad when I do - what I do. This is like having a crush on Bo all over again, thinking I know her and I understand her and - I didn't. I didn't but look how we ended up. 

I'm being hopeful again. I'm having expectations. Not cool, me. Not cool.

I wish I could just go and be myself, without conditions and limits and - without me trying to hide parts of me that I think are not "cool enough". I want to. I want to - I want to breathe his music. I want us to become close enough for me to feel okay telling him I had to get myself piss drunk to get the courage to restart the conversation. I want to be able to joke and be dumb and be myself. I want to not have to hype myself up for half an hour before I can answer a simple message and I want to not be anxious about what I said for an hour after that. I want him to stop being a reason for me to lose sleep and I want to not have this hurricane of emotions inside me on a daily basis. I want to talk.

I want to.

I want.

I want to stop being the reason I can't.

(no subject)

Monday, September 5th, 2016 07:52 pm
nekrateholic: (Default)
 Sometimes I want to take out Max from Lola and the Boy Next Door out for a beer so we can commiserate over younger girls breaking our hearts. (because as much as Stephanie Perkins tried to make him really, really bad when it was convenient for the story, i am still not convinced.)

Anyway. I was looking through the endless maze of folders on my laptop and found... things. See, me falling in love was always one-sided and when it wasn't...  turned out it still was. I kinda feel pathetic even as I type this but. Well. Where else will I be pathetic if not here.

Sad part is, I tend to go in so hard that when the person drops off the face of social media (long distance crushes. ha) in the middle of a conversation (and then you proceed to find out that no, they didn't. they just dropped off the face of your social media.) I feel just... lost. At first. Then comes the Big Bad Depression thing. To this day I'm not sure if what I go through in these moments qualifies as depression but. It hurts enough to lay awake at 3am trying to choke quietly so I won't wake anybody. (Hey, am I even allowed to be this pathetic on a public blog? whatever). I keep telling myself I'm over it, I convince myself I'm mad instead of hurt but then I go and play Changed by You on repeat and I know even after all these years I'd be back with open arms at the slightest hint of apology. Or contact, to be honest. (pathetic.) Of course, that would require for a certain someone to actually want to do any of the above. (even more pathetic.) (i can't believe i wrote you a poem. ...then again, i really, really can.)

I should have learned. But I didn't. (because what? pathetic. or naïve. who knows) Then again when exhibit no.2 decided overnight that she can't bear the thought of dating a girl (three fucking months and it took you a night? sigh) I wasn't too bothered. (it still hit me a few weeks later.) Then again (x2) the end of this began when I went home, wrote you a fucking essay about how happy you make me and how important you are and how much I loved you and all that jazz, your reaction was " won't actually tell anyone, right?!" Talk about anticlimactic. I'll admit though, it did hurt a few months (weeks?) later when you were blogging about your ~first~ love. How you didn't know what it was to be loved before that or sth. Yo, I existed. I wrote you love struck letters. (is this why nobody ever takes me seriously? am i too nice? should i reconsider my hate for dumb good charlotte lyrics?) I suppose this is what I would've said if we had kept in contact afterwards. Oh well.

In the end, I suppose it is my fault I trust my heart with sixteen-year-old girls. (let me hear you! p to the a to the thetic.)
I should've known something was up when each of them tried to woo me with that one the xx song. Man, I hate the xx. (though to be honest i hated them before they (apparently) became the Official Partner Anthem For People That Fuck Me Over, so really. i should have known better.) (one last time! pathetic.)

kpop non-title tracks

Thursday, May 5th, 2016 05:49 pm
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 I've getting back into kpop recently and I stumbled upon this video by Simon and Martina. Since the only song I knew/liked was Electric Heart, I decided I'll make my own list. There are a lot of songs I want to include and it would've become too long, even for me, so this is the compromise: I embedded my favorites and linked the rest as honorable mentions. Without further ado, here it is:

Ladies and gentlemen, The Song. I don't think SHINee will ever make a song I'll love more than Obsession. The lyrics are awesome, the melody is awesome, the song is downright haunting and there is even a freaking guitar solo. Kpop music companies should let the artists write their songs more often.

The honorable mentions for SHINee are A-Yo, JoJo and Stranger. I'm pretty sure Stranger was my favorite off the Sherlock EP, and the other two are just adorable.

This one is the U-Kiss version of Obsession for me. Again, I don't think U-Kiss will ever make a song I love more than this one. The entire Neverland album is freaking brilliant, it's a shame Neverland was the only song that got a video and proper promotion. And since I'm fighting myself to put the entire album here, expect a pretty long list of honorable mentions.

That's one of the slow ones. It's beautiful, the English in it is beautiful (I mean, they do have 3 members that are fluent in English, it would be extremely awkward).

Another ballad. Did I mention their ballads in Neverland are awesome? As is the whole Neverland?

And now the honorable mentions. I've never been good with accurate decriptions of things that I love, so I won't even try. Just listen. Tell Me Y, Obsession, On The Floor, Baby Don't Cry, Story of April.

Zero is from the One Shot EP. I loved it so much when it came out that it was my ringtone for a while, I can't help but love the beginning.
An honorable mention from the same EP - Coma. It's a mention not because it's not good enough, but because most of it is in the One Shot MV. One Shot is just a great EP.

I stumbled upon this one by accident. It was playing on a tumblr page I clicked and it was love at first note. I am a bit mad at myself I haven't gone through MBLAQ's discography more thouroughly but oh well.

THIS SOOOOONG. I'm pretty sure it's about a psychopath kidnapping and killing his ex. It's awesome. I've always viewed it as sort of a companion to She's Gone but I'm not sure if that's the case. They are from the same album and I don't really remember any of the other songs but maaaaaaaan these two. I kind of like She's Gone more, but both these songs, to this day are my favorite GD and two of my all time favorite kpop songs.

I think the album version is the one featuring Missy Elliott. For years I thought I liked that version more but nope, I have been living a lie.

The honorable mention here is not by GD himself, but Big Bang as a whole - Cafe.

This song, as well as the next one are my favorite off XOXO. I used the Chinese version simply because I listened to the Hug edition more, so I got used to Chen's vocals more. This should have been the title track. It's an awesome song, it has potential for an awesome video, for fuck's sake SM, Simon and Martina are right.

Long, long before the album came out a demo version of this surfaced. It was in English by... I don't remember who. Anyway, ever since that demo version Let Out The Beast was the song I was most excited for and, after it actually came out, one of my favorites.

Honorable EXO mentions - 3.6.5, Peter Pan, Heart Attack.

I was so confused when I realized this one doesn't have a music video. It's just too good.

And now I'm going into the questionably/most likely not-kpop korean songs I love and have no videos. Really, whatever attention they receive, they deserve more.

I found this song on spotify by accident. It's hands down one of the greatest songs I've ever heard. It's so melancholic, it's so beautiful. I just have no words.

This one was supposed to have a video but it was banned. And not we'll-never-air-it-in-Korea banned. Banned as in there is no video anywhere. Only the teaser. You can see why someone doesn't want this video and most likely this song, to be popular. The lyrics make you stop and think for a second. They're so honest and... the thing you need to feel, not read about.

This. This is the reason I fell in love with San-E. 

Well, that was long. Oh well. Better than a three-page essay on My Chemical Romance, I guess.
nekrateholic: (Default)
What I'm going to talk about is really, really stupid but it's either that or obsessively spamming every friend that hasn't blocked me on facebook and nobody reads this so.
I shall elaborate. On an average day I'd only use facebook for messaging and criminal case. Add the occasional pic tag, a song or some sort of a cause and that's basically all my activity. Now, that all changes if I happen to add someone I admire, like, etc. Basically someone I want to impress (it's mostly crushes, who am I kidding). And since my music taste is basically the only thing I'm full on proud of I start posting songs on a rate about 9 million times higher than usual. And those causes (strangely!) end up being things in person X's area of interest. See, I'm not even pretending I like things they like - I just filter my intersts so it looks like we have similarities or something. I flood my wall with the secret hope person X will notice my amazingness through my music, or whatever I decide is good enough to get person X's attention (it's usually just music). It gets really annoying sometimes because basically it never works (and I actually know how dumb it is) but my over romcom'd brain never gives up the hope. I keep telling myself I don't need to prove anything to anyone, that I don't have to change how I am (even on facebook) just for someone to like me but noo. It goes on until the fact that the crush is hopeless actually starts to sink in. It's always hopeless (there was a deep sigh here. I'm such a cliché.)
Now that I've written it down it seems way more pathetic than it did in my head. It hasn't stopped me yet. After all, this whole blog and this particular post is just an alternative of facebook spamming. So hopefully -
Hi, person X.

(this is where i want to post a song but the thing inside me that makes me do all of the above refuses to put a song that's not by a certain band and i'm not that obvious, ok?)
nekrateholic: (Default)
There are bands, musicians in general, that just make me go

I think I've talked about how I love creativity when it comes to music - it doesn't matter whether the style is what I'd usually go for, if I decide a band/song/singer/music video/whatever is creative I'd just listen to it until I start to actually like it. Same goes for the 'fuck you i'll do whatever the fuck i wanna do' attitude. That's how I got into Cobra Starship and My Chemical Romance (and their respective post break up projects) and Foo FIghters and... that wasn't the point at all. The point was, I want to talk about The 1975.

I could've found a more appropriate and less Matty-centered band picture. I don't want to. (That's from the video for 'Love me', by the way.)
See, I'm not one of those i-liked-it-before-it-was-cool people. Mostly because I'm pretty sure the first time I heard them they were already pretty big AND my first song of theirs was Chocolate. I'm not sure it can get any more mainstream. But I'm getting off topic again - my first song was Chocolate and at first I was like 'meh' and then MTV Rocks did the thing they do where they play a song until you either love it or start dreaming of strangling the lead singer. Guess what I went with. I ended up getting the entire album and not playing it for, like, two years or something. Meanwhile MTV Rocks educated me about 'Girls' and 'Sex'. In the end, I did listen to the album.
Now, I'm going to be honest here - they have this thing they do with their music where at first, the entire album sounds like one giant song that never ends. I think I love it? But that's also not what I wanted to talk about. They have a new album out and apparently the theme is pink. And holy shit I love it. I mean look at the video for 'Love me', ffs. It takes a moment (or a lot) to realize it actually has something to do with the lyrics. It's like the entire video is a joke. I mean, the entire video is a joke. I just love it.
And then, the entire reason I started writing this tonight. The Sound. Man, The Sound.

They're not the first band, singer, artist in general to fuck with the negative comments sent their way but man, I love when that happens. It's more pink and more weirdness and seriously, I'm pretty sure it takes some balls to make a joke out of yourself. I'm also pretty sure I'll like every video from this album.
There it is. The I-heart-the1975 tirade is over. Well.

Not related: I just realized I'm all sorts of embarrased every time I even look at my 'recent tags' list. My tagging skills are just sad.
nekrateholic: (Default)
See, it's almost 2am on January 1st, New Year's, and I'm sitting here with my laptop on my lap, smiling to the inactive website of a no longer existent band. I love it, even though the only sections that are not telling me they are under maintenance are the 'goods' and 'media' ones. I found myself scrolling through pictures of shows I haven't been to, live music that is likely to never be played live again, by people that are likely to never share the same stage again. To be honest, even I don't believe my words as I type them, but even if they are true, the smile is still on my face. Because even though they've been disbanded for, what, three years now? Five? I don't even know, but they are still as alive as ever. Their music is alive, their fans are alive, the love of said fans is alive, the idea, everything is freaking alive.

I used to be sad over the fact that I'll never get to see them live and honestly, there is a tinge of sadness when I scroll through all their inactive official media but I everytime I listen to their albums, each and every one of them, they might as well have come out last month. The music doesn't get old. It's alive. It's alive, even though they technically aren't.

I've been through a few phases with this band. First was the "that one band that I know two songs of" which later became "yeah, i love that band" and now this. Emotion. I can't, I simply can't see, hear, come in contact with anything of theirs without this warm, fuzzy feeling of love making an appearance inside my chest. The third phase came after they disbanded and even after the media buzz of them being disbanded died down (the fandom still, to this day isn't over it. I don't know if they ever will.). I used to get sad over the fact that it took me so long to get so into them when they were right under my nose, active, but now I know it doesn't matter, not really. I experience their music now the same way I did yesterday and the same way I will tomorrow. And next month. And next year. And a few years after that. Because it's alive.

In the end, even if the 'news' section on their website stays forever under maintenance and the 'tour' one forever silent, I'll still smile, because no, really, death never stopped them.

Oh, and I love their merch store, by the way - it's divided by eras. Eras. Because yeah, all of their albums are separate eras of their existence. It's so cool.

On my way out, let me share one last thing. I think I've already said it one too many times but I swear, I swear I can feel my heart beating the rhythm to those first seconds every time I hear this. It's beautiful.

5am thoughts

Sunday, December 27th, 2015 08:49 pm
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Sometimes I fall into these... conditions. I like of them as nothing serious but the paranoid (and the one prone to drama) part of me yells big words like depression, anxiety and various disorders. When it gets like this, it feels... bland. Detached and apathetic. Like I'm a picture drained of color, only it never had color to begin with. Like the entire world is a big meh. And then I think of all the people in my life that are worth living for and the things worth living for and the things people think I'm supposed to be doing and the things I think I'm supposed to be doing. They are not always the same. 
And then I get the urges to attack any and all alcohol available or stay up all night because I know I'll be nauseus and nursing a headache in the morning. I get the urge to break myself, to hurt myself in a way that won't actually hurt me and most importantly won't raise worried glances. I don't have the guts or the desire to do anything more severe. I don't know if I'm happy about that, honestly. Usually I drown these urges in books or movies or something of the kind, anything to get me away from my life and put me into someone else's, if just for  little while. Sometimes it doesn't work. Like tonight, I guess. It's 5 am and I lie awake and I'm thinking how everything just feels too big for me, like finally all the things I don't know how to deal with will be too much for the imaginary carpet I sweep them under and I'll burst at the seams any second now and my guts will spill out and there will be blood and all that will be left of me will be a slasher worthy pile of flesh. I pobably won't even make much of a mess.
It sounds awfully emo now that I think of it. The weird part is I don't actually hate myself. For the most part I feel apathetic. I don't want to hurt myself for punishmet, I want to hurt for... feeling. I want to know if destruction is really as pretty as it is in my head. It's probably not, it's probably the exact opposite but that doesn't help my thoughts of it in the small hours of the night. 
I tend to fall into these conditions when I'm exposed to too much time to myself. I spend an awful lot of my time doing things I don't nessesarily feel like doing, going to places I don't nessesarily want to be because of other people or because I think that's what I should be enjoying. If I'm left to my own devices I'd most likely spend days looking at the ceiling. Or a book. Or something. I would probably cut off all communication with the outside world too. Which would be a bad idea on so may levels.
I think somehow, along the years, being happy has slipped into pretending to be happy in front of others too, but mostly in front of myself. I'm very good at that. And now I don't know how to fix that. It didn't use to be like that. I had started to get better. And then Alaska happened and five months' worth of bad shit, intensive shit got swept under that imaginary carpet and now I'm back on square one. I hate it.
And the worst of all is regret. It's the single thing I fear and hate most and it's a thing that I feel a lot these days. I guess ut's just too big for the carpet. I don't even know what exactly all that regret is for. And I have no fucking clue what to do with it.

I guess this is one way to deal with shit. I don't want to talk about it so I just write it down and put it up here. Well, it could be worse.

This song seems awfully suiting. Only the one whose love I need is me.


Monday, November 23rd, 2015 09:01 pm
nekrateholic: (Default)
 you guys.

Can you feell it? That's history right there. No, not history. Immportality. You don't even have to know much about those two. You just have to feel.
I can feel it - through time, through space, through the screen of my shitty laptop and its speakers. It's unreal. There must be something really fucking special in us, humans if we can create moments like this.
nekrateholic: (Default)
I watched BBCR1's Teen Awards tonight and it hit me (once again) how much I want to be in the music business. It doesn't matter how - just. Just something that has something to do with music.
And that brought me to a personal... monologue, of sorts. A monologue that hasn't played in my head for quite some time. It's all these thoughts and opinions that never really come up in a regular conversation and the words are left stuck in your head for the rest of eternity. And what is this blog other than a waste bin for all those words. 
So music.
I have this proffesor this year that keeps giving us an example for how most of today's artists aren't actually talented. This is the question she always asks - Can they fill up a whole arena with their voice only? No microphones, just acapella. Just their voices. The answer is no. Most of them can't.
I am not ashamed to admit that most of the musicians I like, probably all of the musicians I admire and look up to, can't. I see nothing wrong with that. Because music, you see, is not about the voice. It's not about the melody either. Yes, they are important - but not the most important parts of a song. It's all about the feelings. The emotion. I guess a thousand people with a degree would disagree with me but hey, I'm the one who buys the music. I'm the one who enjoys it. I think in the end, my opinion - and that of every other person that loves a song anywhere - is the most important. Anyway.
My point was - it's not about how perfect a song (or a voice, or a melody) is - it's about how it affects you. You can tell when a song is made with feelings. You just can. And to me, that's just as beautiful as any voice that can fill up an arena acapella.
Speaking of feelings, and how music makes people feel, let's mention a few terms: "good music"; "bad music"; "real music". You know what I'm about to talk about.
The reason I transitioned on "feelings" is because what is an opinion if not a feeling about something put into words. Back to the terms. I don't believe any of them exist. Sure, there are types of music that I like more than others (although I try my best to be as tolerant as possible) but. Opinion. That's what this is. I don't get people that shame other people for the music they like - I mean, the fact that you don't like a certain musician doesn't mean he or she or they are not talented. The fact that there are people with, say, a stronger voice, different range than said certain musician still doesn't mean he or she or they are not talented. It hurts me to see musicians who put their everything into what they're doing and people just go and point fingers because "he can't sing" or "she sucks so bad" or whatever else they think of criticizing. It takes so much to build something you love, to put it out there for everyone to see. And it takes so little to tear someone else's thing down. It makes me sad. It makes me want to slap people. It makes me want to teach my potential kids respect.
The way I see it, music comes to life for three general reasons:
To save yourself.
To save others.
To save the world.
Just think about it - every song out there is someone's salvation - be it the musicians' or the kid that finds hope in it. No one should be allowed to shame that. Music is music, it doesn't matter if it is or if it's not your thing, it doesn't matter if it's the best, as long as there's somebody out there that appreciates it it's beautiful and it deserves some respect.

Funnily enough, while I was writing all this love that I have for music in general, my brain was screaming at me "WHAT ABOUT ANACONDA".
But hey, everybody needs a distraction from all the seriousness every once in a while, right?

(no subject)

Wednesday, November 4th, 2015 10:40 pm
nekrateholic: (Default)
Dear person from a few nights ago,
We had a thing. It wasn't anything special, it lasted mere monents but it was there. I saw it in your eyes and I felt it in my bones. Does this sound cheesy? It's okay, I don't mind the cheese. Anyway. We might not meet again, hell, we most likely won't ever meet again but thank you. Thank you. For noticing me, for doing something about it. For making me see myself as a person that other people can have a thing for. Thank you for being a step up on my journey to liking myself.
I hope you have a great life.

nekrateholic: (Default)
So I was at Warped in Alaska yesterday and - this seems to happen every time I go to a music festival - I'm going for that one band and the band that actually steals my heart ends up being someone I don't even listen to that much. Maybe Skillet last year were the only exception but I ended up with a creepy obsession with Mando Diao for months that year, so. 
The band - Memphis May Fire - I knew they existed and I knew I'd probably like them if I gave them a chance but that was about it. When I realized I might be going to Warped and they'll be there - well if that's not a reason for giving them that chance I don't know what is. All that chance did, though, was adding the knowledge that they were good and that I will surely go into a MMF phase - if I had the time. And that's the thing that's been lacking from my life lately. So I went to Warped ready for a great show but not actually knowing a single Memphis song. What I did not expect was that I was about ten seconds away from crying by the end of their set. 
See, bands tend to always tell audiences they are the best and they love them and that feels great but also not entirely true because I am self-concious enough to know that no, we are not the best. The general unspoken rule is that every band goes on stage acting like every person in the crowd is there to see them, although they know it's most likely far, far away from the truth. Memphis were not like that - their lead singer was like "hey, if you don't know the words just open your mouth and pretend you're singing, that works for me too". And when they asked who followed them for more than two years - the hands raised were not many in an already small crowd but with the sincerety in their "Thank you. We are here because of you. We love every single one of you, we do" - well, the crowd might as well have been tens of thousands, instead of the few hundred people ot was. I've heard that sentence (and similar ones, because I totally didn't quote that right) from many bands both on videos and live but this time. This time I believed it. And when their singer finished with something along the lines of "this is a new song, it means a lot to me, just try to listen. Everytime you feel like you don't belong, know you'll always belong right here on this stage". And yup, there. I was swallowing down tears. I wanted to hug every single one of them and the best part? Most people in that crowd probably wanted to hug them too. They made me feel like I belonged even though I had heard close to nothing of them before the show and had every reason to feel out of place. So yes. Memphis May Fire earned their permanent place in my heart.
But Memphis aside, I was at that concert alone. True, I met two girls but our time together ended pretty quickly as we were separated by the crowd and then they disappeared. Not that they were all that excited about me being with them but oh well. Anyway, I spent most of those 8 hours alone. And the most exciting thing? It still was one of the best shows I've ever been to. I like to think of it as me growing as a person, being able to enjoy things on my own, but it's not just that. There was a certain atmosphere there, everytime I accidently locked eyes with someone I could see the looks I'd normally exchange with the people I am with. It was like we all knew each other on another level, like the moment you stepped inside that parking lot you were a part of something bigger, like we were all the same inside and we all belonged. Now that I think of it, thar might have been hightened by Memphis for me. The atmosphere was there, though. I really, really hope this is not something specific to Warped shows, although if it is, that's one more reason I love that festival.
Other than all that, man, was I amazed. Issues and We Came As Romans and The Wonder Years and everyone basically - they didn't stop running, jumping, crowdsurfing (and I should say again the crowd was not that big) - you could just see how they were having the time of their lives up there - you simply cannot leave unsatisfied after witnessing that. And even the local bands! I feel awful for not seeing most of them but man, the ones I did see had a mean sound. 
The bands I did see though, somehow every time there was a mosh pit (and there was one for almost every band) it was right next to me. I thought I was against mosh pits up until now but every time I got hit by a random elbow or kicked in various places or shoved in people - I kind of hoped there would be bruises. One of these days I'll probably get over my fears and actually go into a mosh pit. One of this days. There's something very... freeing about all that violence - it's concensual and with no bad feelings whatsoever. People are shoving each other and grinning like it's the best time of their lives - it probably is, too. 
All in all - I'm ready to do it again, exhaustion and sunburn be damned.
nekrateholic: (Default)

Can I just. Just. This. FUck. I mean. Fuck.
I don't know how to be coherent right now. words i need words
can i just

Since what I mostly blog about (do i blog? oh my fuck i have a blog. coherence. not.) feelings! yes! since it's my ranting blog! Also capitals but oh well. Okay so. OKay. Right. A little backstory (which will not be the essay on mcr but that too) - Gerard Way's solo album is not really my thing. I mean I tried to like it and I appreciate it and I respect it but it is going to take some time for me to get used to the sound. That being said I think I am going to be in love with this song very, very soon (i might or might not be a little biased). Just. Feelings. I didn't know it would hit me that hard and I know it's just the Way brothers being the Way brothers buT I WAS ALMOST IN TEARS AND IT DIDN'T EVEN MATTER THAT i spent the first seconds being screamed at by the one recording or that the video was somewhat off sync or that the quality wasn't very good TEARS. it feels. It feels like that time I realized Papa Roach were coming to my country and I wouldn't be here to witness it BUT FUCKING REVERSED BECAUSE I'M FUCKING HAPPY. i just. i can't even explain it. I am so happy for them and for me because I'm happy that they're happy and this sentence lost its sense at some point and i might or might not have no idea what i'm writing at this point but it was really important for some reason to lay my happiness here.  It's like that one fanfic (yes, fanfic, shut up) that i like to go back to where they've broken up for reasons but deal with shit and come back unexpectedly and it's epic (way more than i make it sound) BUT THIS IS BETTER because this is real and they are doing whatever the fuck makes them happy and oh my fuck i don't know what i'm doing anymore but my heart is still doing this weird things and i am H-A-P-P-Y.

ps here's a youtube comment that just made me 10 times more fucking happy

nekrateholic: (Default)
 <<for reasons no other than procrastinating, a new post>>

This was inspired by the fact that MTV Rocks played this, this and this, it that order. While for the first one my thoughts were mostly "Mikey!" "Bob!" "<<eternaladmiration>>" "Frank!" "I have not idea what's going on in the video" and "That would be a cool Halloween costume", the second one made me think about all the criticism that bands receive when they change their style. Yeah, okay, sure, it's annoying sometimes and most times even I don't like it but it's what they do and most importantly it's what they like. I mean look at Ronnie. Look at him. The guy is enjoying himself and it's adorable. I lost my train of thought. Or that was probably all I had to say.
Oh, and the Foo Fighters song is here because I love how there're some bands that don't dress up, don't do anything besides taking a random t-shirt and some pants and go out and take their instruments and blow your brains out with awesomeness. You wouldn't notice that person if he walks past you on the street. You wouldn't think "boy he/she looks like a rocker". You wouldn't think anything anything because you wouldn't notice them.

Oh and all the love to MTV Rocks for playing all the cool songs tonight.


Thursday, November 13th, 2014 08:40 pm
nekrateholic: (Default)
These days it seems one of my favorite things to do is to hate on 14-18 years old me for its general existence.
I mean it was stupid. Me, I mean. I will refer to me as 'it'. It was so... ordinary. And not ordinary enough. And being aufully dramatic and depressed for no apparent reason. And with a bad haircut and bad clothes and bad everything (except for music. my taste in music might have been limited but it was fucking cool). 
However, in the spirit of my never ending battle with self hatred I tried to think of the reasons why 14-18 years old me was so emo in the worst possible way. It was really fucking lonely.
See, I've always been an extremely awkward person. I realized that in high school simply because I grew up in a small society where everyone knew me and I didn't get the chance to be awkward. I was also the teacher's kid and everybody knew who I was. I was not popular - our school didn't work like that but they knew me and they were good to me.
Now, imagine putting this extremely awkward person in an entirely new environment where it literally knows no one. Granted, I had a few distant relatives and two childhood friends in town but I was never really close to them and it just didn't work. It was bad. It was worse than bad. 14-year-olds can be quite cruel. I had (and still have) my best friend of course and I love her to pieces for it. She was a lot of help to - I don't know - not kill myself (although that's unlikely for I have been blessed with a level of responsibility to the people around me). I had her but she was a good 2 hours away and even if we talked every day she was not there. Eventually I started hanging out with one of the childhood friends but she is 4 or 5 years older and while I understand her now I really didn't back then. I remember asking one of my classmates (when I got around to actually talking to them) if they would cry if I was to die. It was a YA book worthy period of internet friends, crushes gone bad and overly dramatical and unreasonable depression.
Fast forward to meeting you. I think it was after the forum thing which is important because they were the first people to show me I am actually capable of making someone like me. Now if only I could do it not hiding behind an username. You happened and while I still hid behind an username to some extent you were there. It took me time - a lot of fucking time - to realize that you were there and you were not going anywhere and hey, 'it' didn't suck that bad. Remember those years I told you about? Those levels of friendship or whatever I called them back then. It wasn't because I didn't care for you or because I had trust issues (I did, but trust works weird for me) or I didn't believe in you. It was because I did all of those things and a lot and it took me years to convince myself it's all actually reciprocated. I'm shit at explaining but it's late and I'm this close to not knowing what I am saying (then again when am I not). To say it this way - you were the first real, big and important thing that made me start believing in myself. Take this as one of the millions of love letters you deserve.

This all, however, does not excuse my general idiocy during my teenage years. But then again who isn't an idiot during high school.
It took me a lot of time be as okay with myself as I am now and it was hard but there were - no - there are people worth trying for. 
Yes, Mikey Way, life gets better when you get better.

PS 'Best I Can' is a positive song no matter how much you deny it. It's about fighting, about not giving up. And it also makes me feel okay. And it makes me feel me. And this is the dumbest ending in the history of endings.

Idolizing people

Saturday, October 25th, 2014 12:43 am
nekrateholic: (Default)
See, the thing is, I tend to idolize people a lot. And I mean a lot. Be it celebrities, friends, people I wish I was friends with, it doesn't matter.
And apparently, that's a bad thing. And I disagree. I mean, when I tell someone I look up to them they immediately go "oh no you shouldn't I'm not worth it I'm not that perfect blah blah". This became a thing among british vloggers a few months ago, too. I think Louise (Sprinkle of glitter) started it with this video (and it seems to be most people's view on the subject) with which I agree to some extent. However, most of it I just can't accept. I mean yes, of course youtubers are not perfect, nobody is and that's okay and it does not mean that being inspired by someone and idolizing someone doesn't nessesarily mean you consider them Gods among men. Then there was Alfie (PontlessBlog)'s video which is kind of what I want to say. Okay, I realize there are people that take idolizing to a whole new level, a whole new, frightening and unhealthy level of blind support but come on, we are not all like this. I lost the train of my thought so I will just continue in hopes someone, somewhere actually understands me.
Examples. For example, I idolize the fuck out of Gerard Way. I all but worship him (okay, not really but you get it) and the dude is far from perfect. And he probably fucks up, has fucked up, does stupid things but boy do I admire how he handles it. And what he stands up for. And how fucking artistic he is. And then there is Jacoby Shaddix, and actually, I think every person I've ever idolized is very much fucked up in one way or another and that's what I admire so much. They have gone through things and they still go through things but in the end of the day they are still here, no matter what and that is some strenght there. Strenght is awesome, strenght is admirable and strenght is idol-worthy. 

I guess this was just a long overdue rand over being slightly offended by a youtube video. I refuse to be told who I should or shouldn't idolize, admire, look up to, whatever you call it. I feel like if I continue this paragraph I'll just retell Alfie's video even more than I already did. So, the end.
I swear this post had some sort of structure in my mind. Oh well.

mcr, i guess

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014 05:59 pm
nekrateholic: (Default)
 This post is so long overdue in so many ways it's not even funny.

First way being it took me a total of about 7 years to fall completely, irreversible, and unconditionally in love with My Chemical Romance. I mean, I did know about them and I did love a lot of their songs and I probably even went through their entire discography at some point. And still, they never made their way into my 'all time favorites' list and it's a shame, really. A few months ago I was talking to this incredibly cool person (that I wish I was friends with but I can't, for the life of me, hold a conversation with) and I think he was in a My Chem phase because he tends to ramble about his 'phases' as much as I do. Anyway, somehow MCR became the topic of our conversation and he was so, so obviously more invested in them than I was and I tried to hold my front because I know them, okay, and I fucking loved a lot of their songs but somehow the conversation was still one-sided with him being the one side and me desperately trying to keep up. I think I was intimidated at the time. I am used to being the knowledgeable one when it comes to bands and when that role was taken away from me. Well. I wish I could talk to him now, though. It would probably save my roommate from being bullied into listening to My Chemical Romance.

I'm getting off topic, though (when am I not). I went into a Panic! At The Disco phase this summer and long story short, fanfiction happened and the P!ATD phase morphed into a My Chemical Romance phase. A really heavy one, too. Apparently I have a thing for theatrical bands. In a few days I had went through their discography (again) and knew the members' names (which is commitment, okay, the non-kpop bands I know the names of are five (actually, up until this summer that number was four bands less)). I had a new favorite song every day and they are just all so good it's almost painful.

I then proceeded to fall into a deep, dark emotional hole about their split (overdue). I developed this thing where it really makes me sad when a band falls apart or changes it's line-up (it was right after the P!ATD phase which contained the same deep, dark emotional hole about Ryan Ross' departure. overfuckingdue.). Even though I was sad about them not being active anymore I still felt secondhand emarassment when I read the comments section on MCR videos or, worse, the members' current projects. There was always the occasional comment comparing the new projects to MCR or long and angry and/or hateful ones about how they should've stayed together. Along with being secondhand emarrassed I was angry. I mean come on, these people are a band that's been through a lot, a band that has a meaning, they could not have just gone all 'fuck this i'm going solo', it must have been hard, it must have been even harder to start all over again and there people were, 'fans', just complaining how they should've stayed together. I honestly find it offensive. And thank fuck for the impressive amount of people who actually respect their decisions.

While trying to come out of the aforementioned emotional hole I realized that while I was sad I could never attend a My Chemical Romance concert, I was actually happy they split before they turned into a sad, modernized version of themselves. It happened to way too much of my favorite bands. This way MCR will forever be the band I worship with no 'yeah, they are awesome but their latest album isn't all that good'. Right now there isn't a My Chemical Romance I would describe as 'not all that good' and I love it that way.

Read Gerard's letter regarding the end only convinced me further that while they may not be active, My Chemical Romance will never really die. It makes me wish I researched the fuck out of them seven years ago, too. (as does listening to pre-Ryan Ross situation)

Besides, the new projects are fucking awesome. Weird as fuck, but awesome. I could not expect anything less from them.

...speaking of weird

Sigh. Just sigh.

Monday, August 4th, 2014 11:53 am
nekrateholic: (Default)
 It irks me to no end when I see all those comments on 5 Seconds Of Summer videos, about how they're boyband with instruments and they suck and they won't last more than a year. Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you. And it's not just the fact that I'm a fan, I mean - if you try to listen to All Time Low or Good Charlotte even or a ton of other bands that have the "rock" status, pop rock or otherwise and no one questions them. (other than the usual <this is not true enough> argument, but the rock & metal fanbase isn't really known for being tolerant). My point was, if you take out All Time Low or Good Charlotte's vocals from their songs and put 5 Seconds of Summer instead it could easily become something very similar to their actual songs. (am i making sense? i am in my head but idk) Basically, the only difference is that they are young, pretty (no offence to ATL but you know what I mean) and tour with One Direction. Fucking stereotypes. Why does a pretty face always need to mean bad music, ffs.
I honestly think they have a long way to go, even after the fangirl hype around them dies out.

Now. What the fuck was the point of this post?
nekrateholic: (Default)
So, I've been thinking. About people. And loss. And beauty.
And the size of a human's heart - well, not literally. Should I say soul? I think I like soul better. Anyway.
I am thinking about the size of it because it's really amazing, if you think about it. (let's count the times I say think in this post.) Let's say you lose someone - someone very important, someone that's a very big part of your life. And by lose I mean death. There is this big, black, empty, painful hole that remains where the person's place in your soul is. And time passes. Time doesn't heal, that's bullshit - time either shows you you never really hurt or teaches you to live with the pain. So, time passes and it seems the big, black, painful hole is getting smaller, little by litte. You learn to smile again - and to laugh, and to not fake it too. And the hole is getting smaller and it helps you fill the empty place with new people. But does it really? Does it really get smaller? I thought so, but now I'm not so sure. In fact, I'm sure it's not like that at all. That's how I imagine it: a hole in the floor. But instead of filling it up - you can't really fill it up - so you cover it. And you start to build your life again - you walk on it - carefully at first. You put rugs and chairs over it or whatever there is to put on the floor of a house, really. But the hole is still there. It's not gone. And someday the coverage crashes and the whole is out in the open again just as big and just as black and just as empty as before. But no one likes holes on the floor, right? So you cover it again, only this time it's easier, because you know exactly how to do it. And the cycle repeats. So I guess I am calling my soul a house floor. It makes sense, in my head at least. But about the size - my point was, even if you lose someone very important, their place in your soul isn't vacated. Their place is theirs, whether they are able to claim it or not. But that doesn't mean you stop meeting people, stop loving people, stop making place in your soul about them. It just grows and grows and grows - the soul, I mean. I'm thinking about all the things I love - be it friends, family, music, kittens, books - whatever it is, it has it's place in my heart, no matter how big or small it is. And I keep loving new things, as well as the old ones and it just keeps growing. It amazes me.
There are a million things running through my head right now. Beauty being one of them, along with holes in the floor. It's all connected, really. Beauty - the way I see it (or try to see it, at least) has to be the soul, right? And this is so cliché, I know, everyone says it but I can't fucking see it happening. And it's sad. There were so much more words in my head about this, but it all went away. I blame the time.

I wish I fell in love with a hole on the floor.
nekrateholic: (Default)
Because I can.
I hate wishes. I hate them so much. Not all wishes, but. It's like, your birthday is up on facebook and you have 98985947895734 wishes 99% of which are people who don't actually give two shits about your birthday. They aren't even actual wishes, for fuck's sake. Because no, I don't feel happier on my birthday after your "hbd" post on my wall. 
And then there's Christmas. People literally go through their contacts copy-pasting the same sentense of "Merry Christmas" with additional heart if they actually know the person. Okay, I admit, Christmas is manageable in terms of empty wishes but.
New Year's. Now that's almost as bad as birthday wishes.
I don't really get it. I honestly don't. Why on Earth would you make the effort to write a wish if you couldn't care less about the person's year. Or birthday. Or Christmas. Honestly. It's so empty, so so empty. I don't even.
Speaking of empty wishes. "What's up?" "How are you?" etc. Okay I'm not sure how often these are used in actual English-speaking countries but here it's right next to hello. And excuse me but "how are you" is a pretty damn personal question. It makes me cringe. No one actually gives a shit how are you but everyone's asking. Really? There are two ways this could go.
1 - "good, you" "good" end of conversation.
2 - "awful, actually" "what happened?" well excuse me but if you need the how-are-you to start a conversation with me I'm pretty sure you're not qualified to know why do I feel like shit.
It's just so annoying.
And even more annoying is when people that you'd actually have a conversation with, willingly, that you show an interest in, when they go all "Happy New Year :)" Fuck you, really.

And that's the end of the rant, I think. Ending with a picture of a young Catherine Deneuve because I can, because I'm obsessed with her and because she's the definition of beauty. And now at the age of 70 she is still one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.

March 2017



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